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January 2nd, 2006

11:10 pm - Good bye, and thanks for all the onions! Good bye, and thanks for all the onions! I'm really sorry to do this, but I've decided it's time to relinquish my characters, Tonks and Filch. I've had some brilliant times over the last couple of years, but to be honest, and this is NO fault of Hogwarts Live, which is fantastic, I've just lost interest. I can go for weeks forgetting to check in to see what's going on, and I certainly haven't been updating regularly as per the guidelines. For that, I am very sorry. I ought to have been involving myself in storylines more, but like I said, I feel I've lost interest. Ive been ruminating over it for a while and I have to admit, it's taken me until now to be able to bear to let the characters go! However, now is the right time, and I hope that whoever takes them on will have as much fun as I did. I'll never forget Tonks' flying with Bill, or sending Severus flying and breaking his 'Kleeneze flask', for that matter; and I'll always have giggles over Filch and his onion aphrodisiac. Keep up the amazingly good work with HL, and I'll enjoy spectating from the stands! Cross-posted to hogwarts_live and justtonks Current Mood: nostalgic

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October 8th, 2005

09:55 pm - Private; Aurors and Headmistresses. There's that mad auror keeps hanging around, muttering to himself. I don't know what he's up to, but I don't like it. I heard him, once. "...smuggling illegal contraband through the school..", that's what he said. Well, there's nothing being smuggled around that I know about, and I'll tell him! Nothing gets past Filch. I've heard tell of a new school. Professor Umbridge is running it. Nice woman, that. Knew how things should be done, if you ask me. I had a lot of time for her. I wonder if she wants a caretaker? These safe houses aren't the same. It's not like Hogwarts. Not a patch on it any more, and not a great deal for an industrious man to do. Dumbledore's the trouble, though. Great man, that one, and while there's still a chance he's living, I'm staying put, however tempting Dolores Umbridge is. Current Mood: morose

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September 2nd, 2005

11:52 pm - School year starting This is an announcement to all students. I'll be making it again after the new lot arrive too, to make sure you remember. No loitering around the storerooms. I'll know if anything goes walkies. I'll be patrolling of a night as usual. Just because we're not at Hogwarts don't mean standards have to slip. And no blocking the drains. Some of this plumbing's not used to dozens of arses' worth of use a day, last thing I need is someone using too much bog roll. A. Filch, Caretaker. Current Mood: grumpy

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August 19th, 2005

02:48 pm - Furniture polish Private I've been investigating. Everywhere's clean enough, but nowhere's been polished. Not even Professor Trelawny's room. Well, it wouldn't, not with them little tablecloths and scarves what she puts over everything. So why's there fumes coming out of her room? Made Mrs Norris sneeze snot all over the skirting board, it did. Locked to Professor Trelawny Nice new perfume you've got there, Professor. What's it called? A. Filch (Caretaker and Keeper of Household Supplies) Current Mood: predatory

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August 12th, 2005

11:27 pm - On the prowl Someone's been in me storeroom. I've made the walk-in larder at the back of the kitchen my own, I've got a bed in there as well as all my supplies on the shelves. And my onions. I came back from seeing to the guttering this afternoon and there was a funny smell. Sort of poncy. I think they call it incense. I was bloody incensed meself because whoever it was had been rummaging. I checked, and I don't think anything's gone except some furniture polish, so I'm off now to look around the house and see how clean the furniture is. I'll have them. I will. Me and Mrs Norris. Current Mood: cranky

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July 29th, 2005

06:13 pm - Private: Women! I gave Sprout her pipe back. I don't know what the woman thought I was offering her, but it's all sorted out now. I thought I might've got a bottle of turnip wine out of it, but no. That's the last time I do anyone a favour out of the goodness of me heart. I bet if it had been Umbridge there would have been a tray of fancy cakes for me and a sweet sherry Current Mood: pissed off

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June 20th, 2005

11:40 pm - Private; Things are afoot. This is my home. It's my home. I've lived here more years than I care to remember, and I aren't going nowhere. He What Must Not Be Named can kill me where I stand, if he has a mind to. I can't stop him, I haven't even got a wand. But I shan't leave, not for nothing. Someone has to look after her, right to the end. I know old Dumbledore'll say that Hogwarts is its occupants, its magic, and its...what does he call it? Some silly poncey word...ethos. That's it. Well, not to me it ain't. It's the stones and the mortar, the corridors and classrooms, the towers and the dungeons. Even those damned drains. It's my home. I'll help 'em all as much as I can, that goes without saying. Dumbledore'll never have a better caretaker than me. But I aren't leaving. Me and Mrs Norris are staying put till the bitter end. Current Mood: pessimistic

May 28th, 2005

11:20 pm - Reminder to all students What with the warmer weather coming will all students please note that swimming in the lake is prohibited. It makes the squid restless and I'm sick of the banks getting muddy. Keep away from the water's edge unless you're going to get into the water and drown, in which case feel free...but even then it'd be Muggins here that would have to fish out your corpse. Current Mood: morose

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February 7th, 2005

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January 23rd, 2005

07:13 pm - Owl to Remus Lupin Professor Lupin, I've been reading Molly Weasley's journal thing, and she says you've got to teach the bleeding kids students all about the birds and the bees. I'd just like to offer my sevices. I was on the receiving end of plenty of female attention towards the back end of last year, and I might be able to offer you a few pointers about what women go for. At your service, A Filch. Current Mood: working

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December 21st, 2004

11:37 pm - Cats, cardigans and corridors To all students. Will you all please note that there's a purple cardigan been left here in my office by the Head Girl. Mrs Norris has decided it'll make a right good bed, so if anyone still wants to claim it they'll have to come and tell me. She sin't scratching any more. I don't know why I'm telling you all this, colluding to deprive my Mrs Norris of a bit of comfort at Christmas time. Some of the quadrangles are iced over so watch your step. I can't be expected to be everywhere at once, clearing all the snow and ice away. I've got enough to do making sure the drains don't freeze up. It's up to you lot to mind where you're going. And I'm partial to a bit of egg nog at Christmas. And mince pies. With brandy butter. Current Mood: grumpy

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November 28th, 2004

10:04 pm - Back to normal. Ran into Rolanda Hooch the other day. She never said a thing about that little drink she promised me. I would’ve reminded her, but she was in a hurry. And Madam Pomfrey turned tail and ran when I saw her the other day. In fact, everyone’s acting as if the last few weeks never happened. I’m flaming well glad of it, too. I was getting a bit sick of all the attention but by heck, it was alright while it lasted. The Salamander Salve isn’t as good as it used to be. I must have got used to the smarting. Current Mood: morose

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November 26th, 2004

09:45 am - Notice To all bloody ignorant and scaremongering| students The next time anyone tells me about there being Devil's Snare in the forest, can they please first make sure it isn't just Flitterbloom. I just wasted two hours of my time when I could have been polishing my manacles. A Filch Caretaker when I get the chance and aren't sent off on fool's errands Current Mood: cranky

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November 5th, 2004

10:39 pm - Pumpkins I'm sick of them. I hate pumpkins. I've spent the last five days disposing of them. I think I've got rid of the last ones, and I turn a corner and there they are again. More bloody pumpkins than students. At least the pumpkins are pleasanter and they don't give me funny looks. They're starting to smell now, and rot. When I pick them up, that stuff inside starts to leak out because it's turned to mush. I spent all day yesterday in the Entrance Hall scrubbing the floor where a huge display had left it all stained. Did anyone bother to help me? No they did not, and I wasn't about to ask. I don't want the entire school knowing I'm a squib Hagrid took them off my hands, though. I'm sure he knows some creature what'll eat them. I've nearly run out of that Salamander salve. Current Mood: aggravated

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October 29th, 2004

07:30 pm - Private; Moon Madness It must have been the moon. That's what I reckon. A blood red moon the other night, it was, and loads of them got spooked. Weird, the lot of them. It affects some folks like that. Can't say as I've ever had much truck with it meself, but since it's been coming on a couple of weeks now, it's the only explanation what makes any sense. I can still smell the liniment from when Pomfrey - well, best not to think about that. So, I've decided there's no need for me to go to see Professor Snape at all. I reckon things will all get back to normal on their own. Although I could do with a bit more of that Salamander Salve, it's nearly all gone. Did the trick too, that rash on my arse is all cleared up. I'm still using the salve, though. I like the slipperiness and the smarting. It's the onions what make it smart. I oughter tell him to add it to the recipe, it'd save me peeling all those bags of them. Make Mrs Norris sneeze something fierce, they do, and she sneezes very productively. There's dried cat snot all over me lapels. Snape might not be too keen, though, what with me not really needing it no more. I wonder what else I could tell him I'm using it for? I'll take me boots and socks off in a minute, and check me verrucas. Current Mood: devious

October 27th, 2004

12:24 am - Something still smells fishy I haven't been to see Professor Snape yet. I was going to get meself down there the other night, but all that ruckus blew up and the Potter brat ended up with two broken legs...I thought he'd be a bit busy with the old discipline and wouldn't take kindly to being interrupted. Turns out he wants me to give young Malfoy a detention for him...they'd never agree to me using the thumbscrews, so I might get him to scrub out the septic tank. It's either that or worming Mrs Norris, and I wouldn't want him to hurt her. Very attached to me at the moment, too, is Mrs Norris. Speaking of attachments...Sprout's offered me a drink now. So that's her and Hooch, and I know they both keep a decent single malt. Now what I'm thinking is this; if there's a decent dram in it for me, I might just put up with their female nonsense for half an hour, especially since the nights are getting colder. Nothing like a good measure of whisky to keep the draughts out. Current Mood: devious Current Music: Caterwauling. Ah, it's lovely.

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October 23rd, 2004

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October 16th, 2004

11:35 pm - Private; Something smells fishy I don't know what's wrong with people nowadays. There must be something in the air, that's what my old mum always used to say. Mind you, she'd always say it when she found out one of her sister's kids had got knocked up, so I dunno... I had to go and see Madam Pince yesterday afternoon about doing the library again next week. Merlin knows why, she ought to remember from last time what wants doing. But I went along with it, thinking I might get a cup of tea out of it. I got a damn sight more, and I wish I'd never bothered. Molly Weasley was there with her, waiting for me, and I don't know what they put in their tea but they were simpering at me like they'd sat on an upside-down milking stool. Fussing around me, asking me to lie down, measuring me for a bloody jumper! I made a sharp exit after that. Bloody women. I wouldn't mind if it was just them two, but some ex-student's taken to writing to me now, lives in Hogsmeade, and that artist woman wants to do my picture! I've said yes to that one, mind you. it's about time my place in this school was given its due recognition. And Mrs Norris won't leave me alone, won't even go out ratting without me and I can't sit down without her jumping on my knee and kneading my lap which feels quite nice so long as she keeps her claws in Current Mood: surprised

October 14th, 2004

09:34 pm - Private; Arse ointment Professor Snape’s sent down a big jar of ointment for my arse. Smells like Vick so it’ll do my sinuses the world of good too. I could do with a good clear out. I’ll have to find a hanky, though, if I’m going to be dripping everywhere. He says I can use it however I want. It’s got a dirty great big label on the jar that he’s written out hisself; Salamader Salve To be applied sparingly to the affected area not more than three times per day. Do not use more than 2oz in any 24 hour period. Contains Wintergreen, Horsetail, Valerian, Birch leaf, Stinging Nettle juice, Peachwort, Yellow Salamander Scale (trace). Not to be used in conjunction with any other preparation due to the increased risk of contraindications. Well, bugger that. I’ve got a huge 16oz jar and I’ve just used a good fifth of it! Soothes the burning lovely, it does. And what’s more, he says I can even drink the stuff! Apparently the fumes’ll do me good too, if I steam with it. I won’t be bathing in it, though, not now I’ve already had one. I’m still using the saltpetre and the onions. I know Snape says not to use anything else with this here ointment, but I can’t see the harm of onions and saltpetre. Or sulphur, for that matter. As long as it’s going, that’s the main thing. And I aren’t suffering any side effects. Snape just likes to tell folks what to do, if you ask me. Mrs Norris seems to like the smell of this stuff, too. She won’t leave me alone. I’m sat here and she’s on my knee, rubbing her face against my bristles and licking my nose. She’s a funny old girl. Her eyes have glazed over and she’s purring fit to burst, digging her claws into me – Oi! That’s me bloody groin! Geroff! Current Mood: cranky

October 13th, 2004

09:13 pm - Private Owl; Locked to Professor Snape Professor, I’ve got a bit of a problem in my nether regions. I could do with one of your ointments, if you please, one of those as cures nasty rashes. If you want to have a look at it, I’ll pop down to your office after dinner. Your Friend, Argus Filch. Current Mood: hopeful

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